have you ever been doing nothing,
just laying in bed,
and then
you realize that
the child in you
is dead?

i don't remember a lot of stuff prior to an event that quite rudely happened to me. i assume it's something to do with trauma. not to toot my own horn, but i feel like i have a lot of that. that thing.
anywho, memory. it's gone, yeah? i have a few bits and bobs of things that happened. like the strangulation. that bit sucked. but i dont really feel like i can access memories. i was scrolling through youtube shorts - we all have our bad habits - to kill time while waiting for someone one day, and an animated video about a child showed up. it then panned to an older version of said child, and they lyrics - there was a song playing in the background - said "all i was looking for was you", and i cried. tears came out of my eyes, and i cried. i dont remember the last time i actually cried. it lasted for a few seconds. it felt great.

i miss who i could have been. does that make sense? does it make sense to miss something that doesn't exist? i mourn for the soul lost to this world because of what i came to be. i mourn for what could have been. i mourn for who could be in my place, not sitting at their fucking laptop being a lazy piece of shit while failing my classes because i dont have the motivation or strength to get through them. i know i can pass them. so why do i have to do them? why do i have to prove to other people that i am capable of doing things? i am. i can do those things if i wanted. but i dont want to. i want to sit in my room, and figure out who the fuck im going to be after i get out of school. i want to learn about myself. i want to know what ill do. i want to know me. i want to know me. i want to know me. because i am lost in this world and the only thing that keeps me going is other people and i barely even have anyone that cares.
i want to sit in my room
just let me do what i want

but thats not possible because this world doesnt care what you want this world doesnt care what you need you will get what it gives you and thats all you will ever get because it doesnt give two shits. it gives one.

i dont know how to cope with myself
i can cope with other things
but thinking about myself
and who i am right now
breaks me