i really dont have any idea what im going to write. i was on my other phone, my samsung, and i just started crying. so i thought "oh, i guess i need to let some shit out". i don't know what.

i'm really concerned about my dad's opinion of me. i told him i had a girlfriend - or, well, i told my grandma. on accident. it just kind of slipped out. i almost even said "boyfriend". glad that i realized that would have been a bad idea. was too late to say nothing, so i ended up saying girlfriend. so, yeah. my dad knows about -name-. when i move out i'll tell him he's trans and then ghost him or something.
i love my dad. i really do. the fact that i want to leave him forever once i get of age hurts me. i dont want to never see him again, but i dont want to have to deal with his bullshit. i know he loves me. i know he does. but i dont know if i can stand the way he'll look at me, as if my existence is wrong just because of my gender identity, and the fact i'm dating a dude. i don't want to have him look at me like that. i want him to look at me like he used to; like he wasnt afraid to show the world that i was his child.

a while ago i deleted the "i am sober" app. it was just annoying because my posted stories werent showing up. it was a whole thing. i even went to their support email (which i had to find in their legal documents [fucking annoying to find]), and they just told me some generic schpeel about "oh it might have violated our guidelines" even though my stories didnt say they did before i posted them. they just vanished. i had poems in there.

i've been thinking a lot about myself, recently. i want to lose weight, and i feel like that's making me not eat. i'm still eating, but some days i dont. not really a big issue right now, but i should make sure i dont get an ed down the line. -sister- used to have one, and... yeah.

i dont really want to kill myself, or even hurt myself, but sometimes when i rub my arms i imagine a knife going through my flesh like butter.
just to see what's inside. or to get the insides out.

-name- dont leave me,
you said you'd love me till the sun died,
but now that you see me,
i fear that you might decide to run and hide

my eyes have been itchy recently.