i could start a rant about our complete nullness to the universe and how nothing we do matters even in the slightest, but we've all heard that before.
depression and anxiety; memories and post-traumatic-stress disorder; happiness and joy. why is it that one of these, some of these, all of these, i feel them all the time? can not i be but of one feeling and of sound mind? cannot i be the one who has it all figured out?
why is it that no matter what i do i always seem to end up crying in the bathroom, or at least sitting there staring.
cry and die and cry and die and cry.
seems like an accurate representation of my thoughts when alone; alone.
why am i always so alone?
have you ever realized how alone we are? if there were aliens out there that would have been able to fine us by now they surely would have, right? billions of years, and yet we've seen absolutely zero interaction from them. at this point it's pretty much a lost hope, what with how our universe is most likely going to continue exponentially expanding to the point that there will be no more stars in the night sky, but there arent going to be soon anyway because we humans are fucking stupid and are pumping all of these dumb fucking gasses into the sky killing our planet and half of our planet refuses to even accept that for one reason or another - OUR FIRST SNOW WAS IN JANUARY. that's a clear-cut sign of global warming and ultimate impending doom to our civilization as a whole because we are slowly roasting everybody alive. "pinnacle of the universe" my ass, we're dumber than the rats and mice we test on. oh right, all of those horrible experiments we've done not only on animals and the such - but humans. we have cut alive people open JUST TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.
what causes that? what creates such a messed up, greedy, anti-altruistic creature like ourselves?
dont even get me started on religion and all that complete baloney. "i dont understand how we got here so it must have been AN ALL POWERFUL PERSON FROM THE FUCKING SKY". conveniently, they're also watching us now and intervening to be "good". well - if you call babies with cancer "good". or just cancer in general. or giving us sentience, that was pretty messed up.
"he created the sun and the earth, and all was good" or whatever, then he must have said "wow, this place is too good, let me create the ultimate evil - the ability to understand one's own eternal plight and complete lack of control over their own downward spiral into utter depression and suffering while having friends telling them that it all gets better and them knowing that it could get better if they tried but they just dont know how to try so they keep looking at themselves in the mirror with their sunken eyes and bedhead hair and stare-less stare. yeah. great addition to this paradise i've made".
fuck you, god. you're a piece of shit.
if you were a good god you'd take away our sentience - let us live our lives peacefully and in ignorance. let us live without having to constantly fight our own minds trying to tell us that we aren't worth anything, we'd be better off dead, we're worth less than the blood dripping from our wrists to the floor.

we are a crop of utter insanity and pain that has long lost it's time for harvest, now becoming a weed on what was once a beautiful and ever-stretching garden of flowers and beasts whom knew nothing of what we were going to bring to their existence.

god has been dead for a very long time, but soon, mother nature will be too.
i hope for her sake that we go before her.